It's menopause.
I know from experience that any hormonal changes create issues with weight, and that's just a fact. All I can do is really try my best to not let things get out of hand. If I can. But the fact is, this is a war I can't win. My body (all bodies, to my knowledge) needs extra calories in order to facilitate healing or cope with the stress of bodily changes. I go through it every month (at least I used to!), in some small measure, every time I have a period. I eat more, my weight fluctuates.

Now, it's fluctuating constantly and I can't really get my bearings. This is like being in a constant state of PMS. The bloating and hunger, all of my usual symptoms, they rage on, but with no release now, for over two months. I begin to suspect I've been in perimenopause for a few years now. I would never have classified it as such, but in retrospect, I see how my periods have been irregular in flow, in timing, in duration. Everything has been a little bit off for quite some time. Weight has been an issue. I've had issues with skin pigment. And come to think of it, body temperature. Looking back, it all makes sense.

Yes. How unkind I can be to myself. I guess I can chalk it up to my own ignorance. I didn't know. All along, I've been pushing myself, torturing myself, really, about the food- all the dieting and attempts to control and withhold. Becoming angry when my own body would not submit to my demands.

Ah, peace. The peace that comes from understanding what is happening. I'm just getting old, and my body is doing what every woman's body does at this stage. In time, it will pass. I'll still watch my eating. Maybe I'll even try to eat more nutritiously. I've been noticing all of these food sensitivities over the last two years and I read recently that when estrogen levels dip, the digestive system can be affected. Apparently estrogen can mask problems there. So now that I know that, I can make the necessary changes. Wheat and cheese seem to be the main culprits, so I've been working on that. I can spare myself the inflammation and health consequences of eating foods I have trouble with. It's the least I can do for myself right now.

So, be kind. Take it easy. It's natural. In time, it will all pass. I'll be okay. I'll keep telling myself that. And as for "loseweightfinally"- I guess it will have to wait.